Mom's Apple Squares
You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
for a hundred miles through the desert repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting -
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.
- Mary Oliver
I teach a weekly mindfulness class at my practicum site to patients suffering from chronic pain. I'm also finally taking an 8 week Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction (MBSR) class myself right now so mindfulness has been on mind a lot recently.
I teach my class every week and wonder how I will attempt to articulate to my patients that instead of ignoring, fighting, or trying to fix their pain they should actually sit with and attune to their pain. Creating some space and acceptance for their pain and their experience of it. I tell patients this and I get a lot of looks from people who think I must be out of my mind because why on earth would they want to be with pain? This becomes even more uncomfortable coming from someone who doesn't truly get what it's like to live with chronic pain. How easy it is for me to teach when I don't truly understand.
Then, this week I was personally struggling with anxiety so consuming it felt debilitating. And for the first time came to understand Mary Oliver's famous Wild Geese poem that I must have heard a thousand times but never really understood. The poem says that despite our suffering, the world lends itself to us, moment by moment. All we have to do is open our senses and plug into it.
My work this week has been to stay will my anxiety, to watch it wash over me like a wave with a rip current so strong it threatens to pull me under. To sit with it, and notice how intense and consuming it feels in my body. To be with it's intricacies. Pema Chodron talks about how quick we are to pull away from our heavy experiences. She uses the metaphor of staying with the experience, taking off our shoes and coat and walking around in our experience for a while, getting to know it more intimately.
To watch as this anxiety rushes through me, and stay with the experience of it until it dissipates or evolves into something else. And it will. It will change and evolve, it will become manageable. And then it will probably come back again. And the closer I can stay to the experience of it all, the sooner it will pass. And although my anxiety is undoubtedly much different than living with chronic pain, I feel that it has helped me connect more deeply to the patients I work with. It has reminded me on my bike rides to work that the world offers itself to me through the changing leaves on the trees in lincoln park and the reflection of the cars on lakeshore drive on the glassy water. It reminds me through my dog's adorable way of nuzzling her head against my chest when she knows I really need it. It reminds me through the crisp air that makes contact with my skin as I feel the seasons change. It reminds me through my intimate connection to the saving grace that is my breath, that is there for me to use it at any second of any day. The world around us is there to support and carry us, should we be brave enough to look outside of ourselves and connect to it.
I feel so strongly about this work. I feel so strongly that by attuning to and being with our experience we can find healing within ourselves. And I'm not sure how all of this relates to these apple bars but I felt the need to share.
This recipe is my mom's. I ate it most Falls growing up. My mom is the type of person who always has at least 5 different types of breads, cookies, and desserts in the freezer or fridge defrosting at any given point. And even though I might have replaced the all purpose flour for oat flour, it still tastes like the original. It's sweet and moist and loaded with apples which is great if you're like me and came home with way too many after a day of apple picking.
3 large (flax or regular) eggs*
1 cup cane sugar
1/4 cup real maple syrup
3/4 cups olive oil
2 teaspoons vanilla extract
2 cups oat flour (I blended 2 cups old fashioned oats in a blender)
1 teaspoon salt
1 teaspoon baking soda
1 1/2 teaspoon cinnamon
1/2 teaspoon ground ginger
1/4 teaspoon nutmeg
4 apples (~1.5 pounds), peeled cored and very thinly sliced
Notes: I've made this recipe with both flax and regular eggs. If using flax eggs, combine 3 tablespoons of flax seed meal with 1/2 cup minus 1.5 teaspoons water in a small prep bowl. Stir to combine and let sit while you prepare the other ingredients. Use this mixture in place of the 3 eggs.
Preheat the oven to 325 degrees and lightly grease a 9x13 inch (or something close) pan.
Combine oat flour, salt, baking soda, and spices in a medium bowl and whisk to combine. In a large bowl whisk together the eggs, sugar, maple syrup, olive oil, and vanilla. Gentle pour the dry ingredients into the wet and stir to combine. Gently fold in the apples. Pour the mixture into the pan and use a spatula to flatten out the top, ensuring that apples are evenly distributed.
Bake for 1 hour - 1 hour and 10 minutes until the top is lightly crisped and browned and a toothpick comes out clean. Let cool, then cut into squares and serve.
These are particularly fantastic server warm with vanilla bean ice cream.
Creamy Lemon Pasta with Summer Squash {vegan}
I may or may not have googled "how to survive a long dark winter" the other day. I normally love Fall, but after struggling through said long dark winter last year, coupled with a tough first year of grad school I am dreading busy schedules, early sunsets, and the closing of Chicago farmer's markets this Fall. Towards the beginning of August I totally panicked, thinking I had not taken advantage of summer the way I should have, and filled my calendar with summer music and film series in the parks, food festivals, and long family walks with pumpkin. We've been savoring this weather and biking all around the city for date nights in neighborhoods far from our own.
We've become religious about our Saturday morning farmer's market trips. I think I bought close to 10 pounds worth of peaches last week, blanched them, peeled them, sliced them, and then froze them. I've been adoring Chicago summer, humidity and all. I worship these warm summer nights and hours of day light. Seriously, the summer can't end, I haven't even made zucchini bread yet!
This pasta is light, summery, and creamy but dairy-free. Once you've soaked the cashews it comes together so easily and celebrates the simplicity and freshness of summer produce. We've been buying zucchini in bulk for what feels like pennies every week at the farmer's market and this veggie-heavy pasta is the perfect way to use them all. It also just so happens to be packed with plant-based protein (thank you nuts) and reheats great.
Serves 4
1 cup raw cashews, soaked 4-8 hours
3/4 cup water
1/4 cup nutritional yeast
1/2 teaspoon salt
8 oz angel hair pasta
2 tablespoons olive oil
4 garlic cloves, finely chopped
1/4 - 1/2 teaspoon red pepper flakes
2 pounds zucchini, diced
zest of 1 lemon
juice of 1/2 lemon
large handful of basil
1/4 cup shelled pistachios (optional)
salt + pepper to taste
Combine soaked cashews, water, nutritional yeast, and salt in a blender and blend until completely smooth and creamy. Set aside - note, this step can be done up to two days in advance.
Bring a pot of heavily salted water to a boil. Meanwhile, heat a large sauté pan over medium heat. Add olive oil, followed by the garlic, and red pepper flakes. Cook for 1-2 minutes until garlic has softened then add in the zucchini and toss to coat. Cook for 5-7 minutes, until the zucchini has softened and released some of its liquid. Remove from the pan and set aside.
Once the water is boiling add the pasta and cook until al dente (keeping in mind angel hair cooks very quickly). Reserve about half a cup of pasta water, then drain, and add the pasta to the sauté pan and top with the cashew sauce (you probably won't use all of it), and toss over low heat. If it looks to thick, use pasta water to thin. Then top with zucchini and toss. Add in lemon zest and juice, basil and pistachios. Add salt and pepper to taste. Serve and enjoy!
Lavender Lemonade Cupcakes {vegan}
A couple weeks ago I celebrated my three year "veggiversary" and made these cupcakes to celebrate. I had been teetering on the edge of vegetarianism for years before taking the plunge. My junior year of college I studied abroad in Italy and convinced myself I could subsist on pasta alone, attempting to limit the amount of meat I consumed. I continued when I got home that summer in New York but constantly felt weak and shaky. I had no idea what I was doing, and ate a diet of almost exclusively some version of cheese and white carbs, and quickly went back to eating meat regularly.
Fast forward a couple years and I had moved to Los Angeles, possibly the world's mecca of health food with incredible accessibility to nearly any fresh fruit or vegetable you could imagine, and things had slowly begun to shift. I'd learned how to incorporate fruits, vegetables, and whole grains as mains while letting meat serve more as accents to the meals we ate at home. My OCD-tendencies hated all the hand-washing and careful counter and cutting board wiping that came with cooking raw meat, so before we knew it, meat became something we only enjoyed on weekend date nights.
Then on May 21st, 2013 I casually decided to watch the movie Vegucated while eating lunch at home between teaching yoga classes. I'm not going to lie, seeing the conditions of animals on factory farms made me sick to my stomach, so sick I figured I'd give this whole vegetarian thing another try. I thought to myself if I can make a real impact on the lives of animals with minimal effort on my part, why wouldn't I? I craved meat a bit in the first few weeks, I ate a lot of pasta with vegetables, and peanut butter sandwiches. I remember being so excited when I calculated how much protein I actually needed based on my weight and exercise level (it's less than you think). I soon learned how to incorporate beans and protein-rich whole grains like quinoa into nearly every dinner at home, and am proud to say I now resort to pasta only a couple times a month! But overall, it's become seamless, it's not something I think about except when I'm out at a restaurant. And it's forced me to become exponentially more creative in the kitchen, develop a greater appreciation for foods of different cultures, and a fierce love for homemade black beans.
I'm a firm believer in the idea that every dollar we spend is a vote we cast in a world we choose to support. Money speaks volumes, especially in an economy and political atmosphere like ours. So of course I get the appeal of eating meat, I ate it for nearly 24 years, but I think by making small changes in our meat consumption like reducing it to just a couple days a week or seeking out meat from animals who didn't spend their whole lives suffering on factory farms, or maybe taking the plunge and giving it up altogether we can really make a difference in the lives of animals.
Also these cupcakes! They're vegan and they are unbelievable, fresh, summery and the perfect way to celebrate my three year anniversary with all foods plant-based. Enjoy.
Makes 12 cupcakes
For the frosting:
1 can coconut cream
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
zest of 1 lemon
1 tablespoon lemon juice
1/4 cup powdered sugar
For the cupcakes:
1 cup + 1 tablespoon almond milk
1/4 cup lemon juice
1 1/2 cups all purpose flour
1 1/2 teaspoons baking powder
1/4 teaspoon salt
3/4 cup cane sugar
1 tablespoon lemon zest, packed (from ~ 3 lemons)
1 1/2 tablespoons dried culinary lavender buds, + more for garnish
1/2 cup coconut oil, in solid form
2 teaspoons vanilla extract
Prepare the frosting. In the bowl of a stand mixer (or using a hand mixer) whisk together the coconut cream, vanilla, lemon juice and zest until smooth. With the mixer on low gradually sprinkle in the sugar and continue mixing until fully incorporated. Taste and adjust adding more sugar or lemon juice. Cover and refrigerate while you make the cupcakes. (Note: the frosting can be made up to 2 days in advanced).
Make the cupcakes. Preheat the oven to 350 degrees and line a cupcake pan with 12 liners, then lightly spray the cupcake liners with oil (I use trader joe's coconut oil spray).
Combine almond milk and lemon juice then set aside. In a small bowl whisk together the flour, baking powder, and salt, then set aside. In a small prep bowl, mix together the sugar, lemon zest and lavender until moist and fragrant.
In the bowl of a stand mixer (or using a hand mixer) cream together the solid coconut oil, vanilla extract, and the sugar mixture until smooth and creamy. Add about a third of the flour mixture, followed by a third of the milk mixture, repeat allowing the batter to incorporate between additions until all of the milk and flour mixtures are incorporated into a smooth batter.
Divide the batter equally in the cupcake pan and cook for 20-24 minutes, or until a skewer comes out clean. Transfer to a cooling rack and let cool completely.
Top the cupcakes with frosting and sprinkle with lavender. Cupcakes store best in the refrigerator and keep for 3-4 days.