Nate and I have been canning apple butter for years. We’ve always used this old recipe from chow hound but have adapted it over the years as our own. I love the simplicity of it - throw everything in a giant dutch oven and cook it until it’s thick (sometimes over multiple days if you work full-time and are never home for that many hours at once).

Speaking of working full time. My God. This 8:30-5 Monday - Friday with a infant thing is maybe the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Second to writing a dissertation, which I have a least 1 meltdown about on a weekly basis. Wtf was I thinking. Did you all see the Meghan Markle interview about not being okay? I feel her, so much.

We moved to Seattle over 4 months ago and I feel less settled today than the day we moved. Between navigating pregnancy, internship interviews, match, the closure of my doctoral program and collective hysteria that came with it, birth, and then uprooting our lives with a 7 week old to move to a city I’ve never been to for an internship where I’d be doing clinical work full-time for the first time was too ambitious. I mean on paper we did it. We’re alive. Frankie is alive and thriving. But it came at a high cost that leaves me an emotional puddle most days of the week. I have a lot of counter-transference with my depressed clients. In a weird way sitting with suicidal clients helps deflect from my own feelings of loss and sadness.

I’m grateful for this space. Because my work often feels so heavy, and complex (though also very meaningful), it feels refreshing to be able to just follow a list of instructions and ingredients on a page and have them come together as the recipe intends. The input almost always = the output in food. The rest of my life does not feel that way. It’s messy and complicated and heavy. So heavy lately.

But you’re here for the apple butter, so I should probably stay focused! It takes a long time to cook up, but once it’s done the flavor is complex and comforting and perfect on whole wheat toast with butter after dinner when you’re still hungry for a little something sweet. We store it in canned mason jars under our bed and reach for it whenever we get invited to a party or need a small but special last minute gift. A jar goes a long way, and it seems to capture the elegance of Fall, (my favorite season) in a jar.

Also, I’ve been relying on those simple joys, like canning apple butter, to get me through the darkness (both internally and externally - ughh daylight savings time!) lately. But seriously, late October through the dreaded December 21 darkest day of the year are usually SO HARD for me. And Seattle is so far north. I’ve already busted out the happy lamp. Other simple joys: expanding my houseplant collection, buying Frankie all the Christmas the Zara & H&M baby clothes, meal planning our first Thanksgiving as a family of 3, ordering her stocking and designing Christmas cards. Also fantasizing about the sabbatical I want to take where I lay on the floor and play with Frankie and bake all day when internship is over. The end! Happy Fall, friends.

Apple Butter
Makes about 7 half-pint jars
Adapted from: Chow Hound

8 pounds honeycrisp apples, peeled, cored, and sliced
3.5 cups apple cider
1 cup dark brown sugar
1 cup maple syrup
2 teaspoons cinnamon
1/2 teaspoon ground cloves
1/4 teaspoon nutmeg
1 teaspoon salt
4 teaspoons vanilla

Combine all the ingredients in a large dutch oven and stir so the spices evenly coat the apples. Bring the mixture to a boil and reduce to a simmer. Continue to simmer, uncovered for about 30 minutes until the apples are soft.

Puree the mixture with an immersion blender (or transfer to a regular blender) until completely smooth.

Return to heat and simmer, with the lid cracked to allow steam to realize but to prevent splatter, for 6-8 hours. You’ll know you’re done when the color is dark and the apple butter is thick and significantly reduced.

When ready to can follow the steps here.